So big…

Buzz Jelly looked at the world’s map with light in his tiny eyes. The Empire’s territories were painted gold because it was the best color, and everything else in silver, because they weren’t rich enough.

The Empire was so small… but it glittered true. One day, Prydain would belong to the Empire.

One day, the whole world would be the Empire!

Buzz Jelly couldn’t wait to invade everyone else, especially Gardemagne. Excalidad would be so proud to see a slime leap over their castle in triumph!

Its curiosity satisfied, the [Cosmonaut] leaped down from the map table and joined the other minions inside the war tent. They were the Kobold Rangers, war heroes of the Empire; they were so huge compared to the tiny slime, although not as huge as a dragon!

Together, they formed an elite squadron under the orders of the imperial princess Jolie Dragon, niece of the good Emperor Vainqueur. Their regiment would soon rejoin the main army, and conquer the castle of the evil fairy Mell Odieuse.

But today… they had been chosen for a special mission.

A cloaked undead entered the tent, the minions forming a line before their superior officer. Jules Rapace was the ghoul commander overseeing their unit, the imperial princess’ personal aide-de-camp, and chief of staff of substitution. The Ghoulmander General.

“Thank you for coming,” the Ghoulmander said to the gathered minions. “You are the best minions we have on hand, and this is a sensitive mission.”

“What is the matter, commander?” Red Ranger asked, the most experienced of the group.

“This is a rescue mission, but I won’t lie,” the ghoul replied, putting some drawings on the table, “odds do not favor us.”

The minions looked at the table and the animated pictures on it. Buzz Jelly immediately recognized its fellow slime on one of the drawings, having been born during the same [Slime Rain]. “Molester! Pink Molester!”

“Its name is Private Molesty.” Ghoulmander Jules nodded, showing the group a picture of a pink slime and a dodo watching the sunset. “Father and mother of hundreds, Private Molesty is one of our best breeders and in a committed relationship with a dodo harem on Daltonia. Yet it didn’t hesitate to answer the V&V draft, leaving its family behind to protect its homeland from fairy invaders.”

“So cute…” Pink Ranger said since she and the slime shared the same color.

The Ghoulmander showed them a photo of Molesty, its cheeks painted green, and a bandana around its tiny head. Another showed the slime boarding a Sword Rocket; Buzz Jelly was still sour about not having been granted its own to pilot during the invasion.

“During Operation Hoard Landfall, Private Molesty was Isekai’ed with a dwarf rocket called the Rambo Warrior behind enemy lines,” the Ghoulmander explained. “Its mission was to commit savage acts of sabotage and to terrify the fomor warbeasts through breeding warfare. We believed that as a veteran of the Daltonia campaign, Private Molesty could operate unsupervised and rejoin the main army. We were wrong.”

The Ghoulmander showed them a new drawing, this time representing a devastated herd of fairy hounds, broken and defeated; it appeared a tornado had walked through the camp. “We lost trace of Private Molesty at a warbeast pack lair east of our location, where it single-handedly incapacitated a fighting force of thirty and seeded them with its brood.”

“What is his level?” Red Ranger asked, impressed by the slaughter.

“He used to be thirty, mostly in Vitality and Agility-focused classes, but he received a Crest before boarding the rocket,” the Ghoulmander explained. “War being a quick source of exp, he probably reached level forty and accessed a Riding-focused class.”

“Forty,” Buzz Jelly repeated, having surpassed that level not too long ago. Although it would have loved to gain more [Cosmonaut] levels, it had to settle on [Artillerist]. So many firearms had been pointed at Buzz during the invasion, the slime had to spit out bullets for hours afterward.

Ghoulmander Jules showed them a point on the map, and then the drawing of an orc in silly armor. “We believe Private Molesty has been cornered and, if not captured, trapped in the eastern region. Unfortunately, according to our vampire intel, the area is under the control of Frank the Anark, a minor [Chronomancer] and [Priest] of Sablar.”

“He steals princesses!” Pink Ranger snarled, incensed.

“And now he stole our slime,” Blue Ranger said gravely.

“His Majesty asked that no minion be left behind,” the Ghoulmander said. “As his commander, it is my duty to rescue Molesty; nothing forces you to follow. I’m warning you, this may very well be a suicide mission. Princess Jolie is on a timer to rejoin His Majesty, and so we will have no reinforcements.”

“We Kobold Rangers will die for our country.” Red Ranger nodded. “And half of us did.”

“Good, because death is but a step in the right direction,” the Ghoulmander said, his undead eyes glancing at each minion in turn. “Will you help me return Private Molesty to his family?”

“Yes, sir!” all Rangers said at once.

“For Empire!” Buzz Jelly vowed. “Molesty return home!”

Having made their way through the forest until nightfall, alongside the Rangers’ pet dinosaur, the minions stopped under the shadow of trees and rested around a campfire. Ghoulmander Jules had retired into the darkness, praying to his goddess Camilla for success, while the Kobold Rangers roasted a feline.

“Do you want a cockroach with your cat?” The cook, Yellow Ranger, offered Buzz Jelly.

The slime shaking its tiny head, for it only fed on the crushed hopes of the Empire’s enemies. Yellow Ranger shrugged and offered a leg to Pink Ranger. The bard receded in disgust. “I’m not eating Squeakie,” the [Bard] complained. “I would rather starve!”

“Oh come on, it’s like, the third time we ate your cat,” the cook protested. “You’re going to become skinny and frail if you keep skipping meals.”

“Do you want another sixth ranger situation?” Blue Ranger asked the minstrel.

“We don’t talk about the sixth ranger,” Black Ranger replied, glaring at his teammate. “There has never been a sixth ranger.”

“Sixth?” Buzz Jelly asked, all the reptiles looking away in shame. So mysterious! “But you five!”

“It’s…” Red Ranger shook his head, paling as his breathing accelerated. “It’s a terrible story.”

“It wasn’t our fault.” Black Ranger shook his head, apparently lost in a flashback. “It was war!”

“He was silver,” Pink Ranger said. “He was cute, but…”

“He was annoying,” Blue Ranger cut in. “You can say it, he’s dead.”

“His name was Scrappy,” Red Ranger told Buzz Jelly. “At El Goldorado, Lady Jolie trusted us with protecting the Princess Wildlife Reserve, but knights kept coming. So we recruited a new Kobold to help in our scouting. I thought he had the attitude and the right color.”

“We told him he should change his minion name to Silver to fit the team’s theme, but he refused!” Yellow Ranger shouted, shaking. “He was insufferable! Obnoxious! Always trying to take the spotlight!”

“It was an accident!” Black Ranger, meanwhile, was still lost in his flashback. “I didn’t mean… I didn’t mean it!”

“At a point, a vicious human squire trapped us in a cave, closing the exit with a boulder so he could abscond with a princess,” Red Ranger said, his eyes looking at the roasted cat. “We couldn’t get out.”

“We spent days inside the cave, trying to dig our way out,” Blue Ranger continued. “Pink had to sing us terrible songs to make sure we didn’t fall unconscious from exhaustion. But Scrappy… Scrappy didn’t help, he just complained!”

“You know about the food chain,” Red Ranger asked Buzz Jelly, who nodded religiously. “We made a list between us. Who would sacrifice themselves first for the good of the Emperor. We never thought we would apply it ourselves, but… we were starving. We all looked at Scrappy, and he knew.”

“As an undead, I didn’t need to eat him to survive,” Blue Ranger admitted. “But I hated him. I hated him.”

“I always wanted to know how I tasted, yet I was too afraid to try. He tasted like veal.” Yellow Ranger looked deep into Buzz Jelly’s eyes, his gaze full of horror. “We taste like veal! Like cattle!”

“He was cute,” Pink Ranger had tears in her eyes. “But he didn’t run fast enough.”

“It was war,” Black Ranger kept repeating. “It was war!”

“When Lord Grandrake excavated us days afterward, there was nothing left to raise Scrappy with,” Red Ranger said grimly. “Not even bones.”

…

“That all?” Buzz Jelly asked, having expected something more impressive. That was part of the course in Murmurin, with no pun intended; Chocolatine had told the slime so many of these stories. “Was princess saved?”

“Oh?” Red Ranger nodded. “Oh yes, yes, she was. Lord Grandrake trapped the squire with a fake legendary sword in a stone. They just can’t resist those.”

“Like Excalidad?” Buzz Jelly asked, immediately entranced by this part of the story.

“It was a bit different,” Red Ranger explained. “Imagine a mousetrap, but with a sword replacing the cheese. The squire tried to pull it out and then—”

The sound of something being dumped next to the campfire interrupted the discussion.

“Gentleliving, gentledead,” the Ghoulmander said, tossing a paralyzed, white-skinned humanoid amidst the minions. “Look at what I caught spying on us.”

“I won’t talk!” the captive Doppelganger shouted, bound by tight ropes and kneeling on the grass.

“We know that you know the location of the fairy resistance’s base,” the Ghoulmander told the faceless prisoner. “We have ways of making you talk.”

“I won’t! Whatever you do to me, Frank will do it double!”

“Tickle him,” Red Ranger ordered, Blue and Black Rangers brandishing Dodo feathers. They ferociously tickled the doppelganger’s feet, to break his will.

But thirty minutes later, the humanoid hadn’t laughed even once!

“Moon!” Buzz Jelly showed the doppelganger a drawing it had scribbled with its mouth and crayons, trying its glue at interrogating that enemy of the state. “Moon!”

“What is this, a lead-colored landscape?” The shapeshifter shrugged it off. The sight of the Moon didn’t affect him.

“Damn, he has been trained against interrogation techniques.” Red Ranger shook his head. “We have no choice. Pink, brings out the banjo.”

“You sure?” Black Ranger asked his leader, a bit afraid. “He may not survive!”

“I will take full responsibility,” the Ghoulmander said. “Besides, we can raise him as an undead if he dies from the shock. Pink Ranger, make him talk.”

“Which songs do I play?” the bard asked, raising a banjo threateningly at the fairy thrall.

“[Requiem for a Lich], [The Passion of the Wyrm], [Vainquorio and Victoria]. If he doesn’t speak afterward, he never will.”

Pink Ranger cleared her throat, her fellow minions protecting their ears with their hands. Buzz Jelly didn’t, because it had no arms.

The slime listened, as the bard began a trio of songs: complex music, with complicated words that Buzz Jelly was too young to understand. Not familiar with mammalian nor reptilian biology, the slime didn’t catch most of the references.

They sounded disgusting though.

Charisma check successful! [Madness], [Terror] and [Puking] negated! Ignorance is bliss!