Chapter 392 Haunted by the Past   - Part 2

~ ZEV ~

They held each other for a long time. Zev stroked her hair and her back and kissed her temple, whispered his love, and pleaded for forgiveness, and she said she gave it. And even though her body wasn't as tight when she finally pulled back, he wasn't sure.

He wasn't sure he could ever have forgiven her if the roles were reversed. Could he judge her for struggling with it?

Sasha stepped out of his arms and wiped her face. "I am so damn sick of crying," she said, with a watery chuckle. "I love you, Zev. And I want to stop being sad. We're going to have to… we're going to have to just figure it out when it all happens because there's no time now, okay? But just please… please tell me if there's anything else. Anything that these women have of you?"

"Nothing," he whispered. "I vow it, Sasha."

She sighed. "You can't fix this, Zev. But you are going to have to tell them how sorry you are. Because those women are in pain. They've lost their mates just as surely as Yhet did and… I hate being a part of that."

"Me too," he whispered. Then he didn't know what else to say

But as usual his amazing mate was kind. She started walking and as he followed her, she changed the subject.

She told him that Nick said the females only ever got weaker when they were closed up instead of being free in Thana—and she thinks that's a byproduct of the human influence. Being caged. Being controlled.

Zev's mind drifted to his own troubles sleeping and the panics that could come upon him.

"Zev, it doesn't matter what medications or supplements or how good the food is, when people's minds aren't healthy their bodies aren't healthy."

"I know. You're right."

Then she turned to him, and now there was concern in her eyes. After all he'd put her through she was worried about him?

"Is that why you're on edge too? Why you don't sleep well and don't want to be inside? Is that why you didn't go with me to talk to Nick?"

Zev cleared his throat. "Yes, some. I have… struggles, too, I suppose. Some days are worse than others. Some days I'm fine unless something happens or I can smell them—like when you came back. Other days there's stuff that sends me into a panic and I don't even know why."

Sasha nodded slowly. "Do I smell right now? Of Nick, I mean."

Zev grimaced. "It's not bad, I'm guessing you didn't really touch him. But yeah, I can smell him."

"I'm sorry—"

"Sasha, you owe me no apologies about this. At all. Don't worry, it'll fade. But I still… I just hate it. It brings back feelings and ways I used to be afraid. When I can't sleep it's like that. This feeling of being caged. I think that's half of why Yhet wants to be moving all the time. He's proving to himself that he's not being controlled."

Sasha took his hand. "Were you caged all the time?"

He huffed a breath. "No, that's the stupid thing. The females and the lab males had it so much worse than me. They stayed at the compound or in the labs. I was… living a life. I mean, I was monitored. I lived with Nick or with others that were on training. But we had some freedom. They… I think they put something in me. They always seemed to know where I was. I found a lump on my back once and had one of the others cut it out. They'd put some kind of tech under my skin. I never found another one, but they still never seemed to struggle to find me. They just had to catch me. Until the day I got you, I never ran from them. It's hard to explain, Sasha. I can't tell you why except that it always just seemed impossible. Or I thought they'd hurt you."

Sasha hugged his arm as they walked, and he pulled her to a stop to hold her. They both stood there, breathing. Zev trembled.

"I wish everything was different," Sasha whispered after a few minutes.

"So do I. But you figured it out. We're going to make things different for ourselves."

She nodded. "Are you going to talk to Nick?"

"No. I think I'd kill him if he was in front of me." His words were dark and certain.

Sasha looked up at him, her eyes pinched in concern. "You can't carry around hate like that, Zev. It'll eat you up."

He remembered Skhal's words from earlier and shook his head, his jaw tense.

"You're trying to tell me you don't hate him for knowing that we had a baby and not telling us?"

Sasha's lips twisted. "Honestly, I wanted to scream at him when I first saw him, but I fought it back and he was… normal."

"That's because he's used to knowing things that are going to destroy you, and not telling you until he can use them."

Sasha nodded. They started walking again, both of them quiet. Then she sighed. "I really don't want to talk about this with anyone else. And the males are so… no boundaries. Can you please promise not to tell the others about this? I just want this to be between us."

"Sure, of course."

"I mean, if you need to talk to someone about it—"

"Who would I talk to other than you, Sash? My brother's in love with a female who can't have kids, so that's a slap in the face. Yhet never had offspring. Skhal never mated—and even though I think Dunken and Jhon will, they haven't yet. No one around me is going to understand this. I don't think I even understand it."

Sasha nodded. "That's how I feel, too."

"Well, there then. We'll talk to each other about it and maybe between us we can figure it out. But regardless… I'm here, Sash. Okay? Anytime you want to talk about any of it. I wish I could change so much, that I can't. But what I can do is be here now and make the future better."

They walked on then, side to side, hands clasped.

Zev just prayed that she could heal from the hell he'd sentenced her with.